A Quiet Peace
It’s been a minute.
After I passed my UX/UI Design certificate course, I was all fired up. I had so many plans. And then, I realized. I am about to start a two-month, four-hours-a-day, in -office pain program. I would not be able to work a full-time job, even from home. I won’t have the energy. I’ll be exhausted. If my normal days are anything to go by, I’ll come home from the program and collapse on the couch, unable to move for the rest of the day.
Suddenly, all momentum stopped. I lost all desire to do anything, even just sit here and write. I literally could not get up the energy to do it. I get up, and by the time I’ve eaten breakfast and washed up, I’m exhausted again. Ready to lay on the couch and rest. Sometimes I sleep. Sometimes I read. Sometimes I play games on my phone. The energy to get up and do things is just gone.
Up until now, this would have sent me into a major mental tailspin. The guilt and self-recrimination, the beating myself up for being unproductive, would have kicked in relentlessly, making me even more exhausted, feeding the cycle.
And yet, this time, it’s different. The guilt’s so faint, I can barely feel it. It pops up in greater degree from time to time, but largely, it’s gone. I am able to rest without guilt. It’s amazing, and incredibly freeing. I know that it’s all going to be okay, even if I don’t see how right now. It’s all going to be okay.
I’ve kept up my spiritual practice throughout everything. I’ve been re-reading Florence Scovel Shinn’s works, as well as A Course in Miracles, and Gabby Bernstein. I’ve been using affirmations and praying daily, many times a day. I’ve been meditating. It’s working. It’s keeping me sane, the voices of guilt and shame are muted almost completely. It’s a miracle. I am able to feel peace, and it’s growing.
This is HUGE for me. Words cannot express how huge. My mind has been a constant battleground, the voices punishing me much louder by far than the voice telling me I am loved and it will all be okay. The tide is turning. The quiet peace, softly building in my mind, is overcoming the voice for fear. The fog is lifting.
I may not know the way forward yet. That’s okay. I can focus on this growing peace, and doing the things I enjoy, the things that are fun for me. One little step at a time, a little bit each day. Even if only for five minutes. I can make a start. I can rest when needed. Which is still a lot. And that’s okay, too.